lucidlotuslife

Remember the Friday Fluff craze that swept the nation?  Lisa from Empty the Well started it, if I rightly recall.  I was feeling the need for a fluffier life and thought this might just be exactly what the doctor ordered.  Except I couldn’t get it together to look for a quiz, so I went and stole Lisa’s.  Which goes to show you that crime really does pay.

This week’s survey was created by some nameless, faceless weirdo.  A moment of silence for the unspoken homie.

Art by elisaann

This year did you. . .

Spend over 200$ at once in one store?

Amazon got a fair chunk of our money this holiday season.

Have to wake up before 6am?

A couple of times.  And I was pissed.  I am very spoiled in the sleep department with the kid I ended up with.

Make a huge meal for a bunch of people?

No.  But I did make a few meals for a few people.  Including my first prime rib on Christmas.  Too bad meat sickens me.  The boys enjoyed it though.  And I enjoyed using my new oven timer.  #kitchennerd

Spend a whole weekend drinking?

I was just recalling those old days.  When I used to shop in preparation for the unholy hangover to come.  A gallon of milk, a loaf of fresh French bread with butter and a box of Kraft Ranch pasta salad.  I don’t miss that shit for a second.  Except the bread.  Mmm, gluten.

Spend a whole weekend inside?

A few, but far less than when I was a footloose, carefree single lady.  Kids get in the way of all the good stuff.

Get less then an hour of sleep then had plans all day?

Fuck that shit.  I’m fortyfuckingthree.  People have died for less than that.  I have, however, flown with a toddler on less than 5.  It wasn’t pretty.  Said the guy in the aisle seat recoiling in horror from my head jerking, spit drooling micro naps.

Ditch a friend for a crush/boyfriend/girlfriend?

That only happens in the honeymoon phase.  We have close to six years, a mortgage and a toddler under our belts.  We ditch each other on the regular.

Lied to your parents about your location?

I don’t think I ever did that.  I was more like, I went out and did drugs last night and I’m sorry.  The sweet release of confession.

Fall for someone at your work?

It’s just me here.  So mos def not.

Trip and hurt yourself?

I think it was this year that I fell down two stairs and fucked my foot right up.  There was some tendon tearing involved.  Hurt like a mother.

Discover a new favorite band/singer?

Not really.  But I do like this.

This is also pretty badass.

Roast a marshmallow?

We did camp out once.  Marshmallows were roasted.  But many, many, many more were consumed in the form of microwave s’mores.  So melty.

Get called a bitch?

Yes.

Get called a slut?

Not that I’m aware of, Sarah.  Omg, I forgot I ever even used to say that.  Memories are some weird shit.

Get called beautiful?

Yes, by my kid.  It was pretty awesome.  I love that guy.  #kidswoon

Drove for more then eight hours in one trip?

Nope.  Six though.  With a toddler.  Who is balls out awesome as a road trip partner.  #kidswoon

Have someone tell you they want to be with you forever?

My kid is the winner of this survey.  He says he wants to live with me forever.  I told him that when he grows up he can choose to sleep in the bed with someone if he wants and he says he will choose to sleep with Mommy and Daddy.  I say Mommy and Daddy don’t have enough in savings to afford the kind of therapy that will require.

Have someone say that^ and believe it?

I believe it.  For now.  I’m sure that tune will change sometime in his late teens and he won’t be able to get out of the house fast enough.  I’ll keep him as long as he’ll stay.  Note to self: get a fully furnished basement in the next fifteen years.

Have someone say that^ and NOT believe it?

Not this year.

See over 100 movies? (Theatre or not)

Holy fuck.  I love movies and that’s a fuck ton of movies.  I’m going with no.  But I have no idea how many I actually did see.  I do know I watched a lot more teevee than movies.  I prefer the intimacy of the ongoing relationship.

Get a midnight snack?

I tried to put midnight snack in the Urban Dictionary (and I strongly caution against it) and came up with this instead.

Have an amazing date?

Marriage and dates go together like innocent bystanders and napalm.

Cut someone else’s hair?

I did that once and only once.  Train wreck.  Dude looked like a monk.  An angry, vengeful, blood-soaked monk.

Smoke weed?

Dudes, I know y’all all just wanna get high with your bad selves.  I am all for it.  For you.  But I motherfucking hate weed.  Weed makes me stabby.  The first time I smoked it was in the psych hospital at age 15.  I also happened to be taking Lithium.  Against my will.  Lithium + weed = temporary psychosis.  Which is not as much fun as it sounds.  Kids, don’t do drugs, m’kay?

Smoke enough weed to actually get high?

See above.  And don’t do drugs.  If you’re already on other drugs.

Eat sushi?

I wish I were that cool.  Vom.

Get really bitchy with a cashier at a store?

No.  I am appalled by that sort of behavior.

Camwhore?

I post pictures of myself sporadically.  It must be to get attention because why else would I?  But mostly I put pictures of my kid because holy fuck, that fucker is cute.  I am a total kid camwhore.  See how cute my kid is?  Marvel in his glory.

Take someone else’s pants off?

Every day.

Have someone else take your underwear off?

Awkward.  And no.  See question regarding the honeymoon phase.

Go to someone’s funural who you didn’t know?

No.

^For the free food?

They have food at funerals?  That just seems unsanitary.

Get drunk off beer alone?

I haven’t been drunk in a long time, alone or otherwise.  Beer is not my first choice because it takes a lot more volume than shots of cheap vodka.  But beer has come a long way since I started drinking.  I could go for a Ruby right about now.  Also, some cajunized tots.

Wear heels?

Never.  They hurt and I’m tall enough.  They do make the rear look slammin though.  I prefer comfort over a slammin rear.

Stalk someone on facebook?

I loathe Facebook like it’s a Romney.

Curl your hair?

I used to wear those pink foam curlers in my hair overnight when I was young.  That was not a good night’s sleep.  And not really a great look.  I have a gf who uses hot rollers and her hair looks glorious.  I’m lucky if I wash mine more than twice a week.

Wear red lipstick?

I’m not much for the makeup.  And definitely not for the lipstick.  Lipstick is gross.  It gets gummed up in the corners and crevices, bleeds into tiny lines and on the teeth, it dries out the lips.  But it looks lovely on you.  Obvi.  As I said earlier, I’m more about the comfort.  But I should do more of the makeup in 2013.  Bring sexy back and all.

Straighten/curl a guy’s hair?

What?  My husband has no hair.  My son has the hair of the gods.  There’s no need for any of that nonsense in this house.  Thank fuck.

Go dress shopping?

Another goal for 2013.

Over eat and throw up?

I kicked bulimia many moons again.  I did have the urge this year, but did not commit the act.

Throw up in public?

Sadly, yes.  At school, in Anatomy and Physiology.  Stomach flu.  Embarrassing.

Stick your head out a window to throw up?

I have totally done this, but it’s been 20 years.  I remember driving a car streaked with dried on vomit until nature eliminated it for me.  the 20′s are for suckers.

Go to a restaurant with a big group of people?

I went out to eat with my family in Texas this summer.  There were nine of us.  But everything is bigger in Texas so it was more like 52.

Go to the person you like when you were sick and had them take care of you?

This is awesome.  I have never had someone take care of me when I was sick.  Well, my mom probably did when I was a kid, but not since then.  Sounds nice.

Makeout in a car?

I just had a request for this yesterday.  Unfortunately the requester lives on a different continent and doesn’t own a car.

Wear a bow in your hair?

You best believe I wore a bow through much of the early 80′s.  Looked exactly like this.  Hush now child, I said exactly.

Now that is a girl who knows her way around a good handjob.

Get asked out over the internet

I do the asking, yo.

Get tagged in a picture you immidiately untagged

I have to approve everything on Facebook and I am never on Facebook so a lot of things go untagged.  Thank fuck.

Makeout with your hand

I’m trying to remember if I ever really did this or just saw it in movies.  Pretty sure it was movies.

Makeout with a stuffed animal

THIS year?  No.

Lend someone money for drugs

Just for Nyquil and Viagra.

Go in the woods

Is this like, an existential question?  Or an invitation?